I got married a year ago to my colleague. Both of us are doctors and, ironically, work in mental health. We used to like each other, but there was no formal relationship, and then our alliance was fixed by our parents. The courtship period lasted for 1.5 years, which was sort of hell for me. Soon after, my fiancé started ignoring me completely, even at the workplace. He never called me or visited me. He belittled me for everything for which he had labeled me as “wife material” like being a teetotaler, non smoker, having no male friends, and not going out much.
He even said how me being a virgin wasn’t a big deal for him. He started telling me how when a typical woman constantly complains about not getting enough time, it triggers a man to cheat. I used to get scared. I never complained to him for not taking me out or not calling me because I didn’t want him to feel pressured by my expectations. Due to past relationship trauma, I had requested him to never make me feel like a burden. If he ever felt I wasn’t the one, I asked him to tell me to my face and I’d leave but not to make me feel rejected.
He did exactly the same. I swear I was never overly dependent on him; I wasn’t clingy. I know how to drive, go shopping, watch movies, and eat at restaurants all alone. I had deliberately trained myself so that I’d never pressure my future partner for every little thing. Coming to his mother: ever since our courtship period began, she used to call me every day and talk to me for an hour. I used to talk to her nicely, thinking, She has only one son. But gradually, the calls increased to 8 to 10 times a day, disturbing my duties and personal life, including my time with friends.
I kindly tried to convey this to her, but she ignored it. I thought she didn’t understand, so I started ignoring her calls. Then she told my mother, I’ll keep calling her how long can she ignore? I won’t let children be so free; otherwise, they’ll get used to living without me in their lives. Also, she never sounded rude; she was always polite. She constantly started suggesting her unbearable expectations, which disturbed me to the core.
She told me if I had to go to my maternal home, my mother would have to take her permission, then she’d ask her son, and only then would I be allowed to go. She openly said, You know driving, you have money then how will I be important in your life? I used to laugh it off initially, thinking she might be joking. But her calls and video calls increased. Every time my phone rang, I panicked, fearing what she’d say now and how long it would take me to recover. I tried to love her with the little kindness I had left, but I couldn’t like her anymore.
Now, I don’t remember everything she said, but she constantly suggested how, in their family, the daughter-in-law was taken care of by the mother-in-law and sister-in-law-This is how a joint family functions. She gave me the example of another young couple in their house who sleep separately. The pregnant wife was taken to the hospital by her sister-in-law; the husband never showed up. In our culture, a newly married bride is usually accompanied by her husband to her maternal home, but she suggested hundreds of times that either she, my FIL, or SIL would come with me.
When I questioned where my husband was, she said, If he has time, he’ll go. She called me and told me how her daughter is a better driver, how me and all my siblings have acne. After seeing my mother’s WhatsApp status, she called me and said, Naachna toh tujhe aisa hi aata hai, bekaar naachti hai. Main toh dekh muh pe bolti hoon achi nahi lag rahi. Tum toh sab bhai behen ke pimple hai. Tera bhai kitna mota hai. For the record, I won a state beauty contest, and my brother is 6’2″ and very handsome.
I don’t want to body shame anyone, but her married daughter is a housewife, overweight, and has acne too (which is very normal), though she’s very pretty. It’s all my fault because I made her too comfortable, going out of my way so she wouldn’t feel inferior to me just because I’m a doctor and earn my own money. But she started breaking my confidence, making me feel inferior just like her son. She was polite most of the time, but sometimes she was rude. She always called me beta and promised she’d take care of me.
But sometimes she also said things like, Tere muh pe do thappad lagenge zyada bani toh. It was normal for her to say such things to anybody, but not normal for me to hear. She didn’t expect any household chores from me since I was working. She always laughed while saying these things. She said the same things to my mother as well. My mother finally told her 2 to 3 times, My daughter is very polite, but please don’t push her or trigger her by saying such things. Any person will retaliate at some point, and we, as elders, will lose respect in their eyes.
She’d agree, then start doing it again. She used to say, I’ll do the household chores; otherwise, I’ll have no say in your life. You earn, you drive, you can keep a maid-but then I won’t have any say. I confess that after a year of tolerating her, I started answering back. I was also rude when I needed to be and started drawing firm boundaries. Finally, I told my husband. He said, You’ll have all the freedom to go independently. But this was after too many fights. He realized I had this fear, so he supported me in this.
But he said I misunderstood his mother she didn’t expect all this from me. After we got married, I was super scared and insecure. But to my relief, I had all the freedom to wear anything and go anywhere. However, my husband said he’d give his entire salary to his family and that I should give him 25k for his needs. He had told me this before marriage. He didn’t show up for Karwa Chauth before marriage deliberately to hurt me, saying I didn’t deserve it.
His mother supported him. But I had a huge fight with him. The next day, he came to meet me to compensate, but he told me about his salary decision. His mother said, We can’t ask for salary, but your husband has the right. We don’t have any right. I realized he wasn’t giving his entire salary to his father, his mother and he had planned this. Every day, his mother came to me, saying, Our younger daughter’s marriage is your responsibility.
Sometimes, my husband said, Whatever you’re saving, we’ll gift a car to Papa from that. For namesake, he was taking 25k, but he exerted control over my entire salary. He also had one condition: I’ll never ask about his bank statements. I wanted to do a PG (Post Graduation), for which I wanted to save. He questioned me: Why do you want Gynae? It’s very hectic. It’s my childhood dream my everything. I wanted to leave my job to study, and he questioned that too.
But when I was adamant and decided to take admission in a college with lower fees (knowing I could easily pay my fees and still have huge savings left), he said he’d pay my fees. Unfortunately, I didn’t get admission. He continued ignoring me. I had no right to touch his clothes, his things, his almirah, or even his slippers. He only talked when he felt like it. I had had enough. I blasted at him and refused to give him my salary. His mother pretended to support this decision as well. He didn’t talk to me for 1 to 2 months.
When I complained, she said, He’s hurt. He didn’t take dowry, thinking you’d support him with your salary. Then, due to his complete neglect, we kept having huge fights. He got physical with me he abused me. I had bruises all over my body. He pulled my hair, lifted me, and threw me on the bed. Then he started crying. I didn’t tell anyone for a few days, thinking he’d be targeted. When he started neglecting me again, I told his mother. She said, You’re fair. He said you were leaving the house at night, so he just held you he didn’t slap you.
If she’ll keep creating issues just because I didn’t feel like talking for some time (I was thinking about something else), then I’ll call her parents. His mother started shouting, Haan, we’ll also complain. Har baat ka issue banati hai. I felt so lonely that I called my father myself. They always try to scare me by saying this, but they never call my family. I’m not scared of my parents because I wasn’t wrong. My father came and thrashed them badly. His parents supported his excuses, so my father shouted at them too.
My husband and his mother formed a team for months. He avoided me and kept sitting with her, whispering in her ear. Even on Karwa Chauth, they spent time together. She had my purse l asked for it, but she took around 15k from it and gave me an empty purse, saying, I’ll keep your muh dikhai ka money. When I questioned this, my husband fought with me and gave me the silent treatment for 2 months. She had all my jewelry and took it to her maternal home to wear for a marriage.
She keeps a check on my almirah, looks at the tags, and then orders from the same site. People were asking me to rent my wedding lehenga, so I told her I’d never share my wedding dress with anyone other than my daughter or DIL. She called my younger SIL and said, She’s also like your daughter won’t you share with her? just to tarnish my image in her eyes and portray herself as a loving mother. She’s not her real mother; my husband’s cousin wanted to keep her after her mother’s death.
I never asked her to wash my clothes, but she used to go behind my back to my room and wash them in the automatic machine. Drying, spreading the clothes, folding all were done by the maid. But I finally refused to her face, rudely, and then she stopped. Now, whenever my husband tortures me (giving me silent treatment) and I go to his parents, they say, We never let you do any household chores, you have all the freedom to go anywhere, you’re allowed to wear anything still, you have a problem.
The truth is, I go out with my friends because my husband never takes me along. He goes on boys’ trips for 15 to 20 days. His mother can video call him, but I can’t. If his mother asks him to bring something for me, she tells me, My son always listens to me. If I tell him to do something, he’ll surely do it. She said, Only a MIL can help a DIL adjust in a family when my FIL supported me once. I like his chachi; she’s my age and also suffered similarly. So, my MIL has a problem with the fact that she prepares food for me, but I still don’t dislike her.
The truth is, they have 5 maids. My MIL and chachi only have to cook one meal each with the maids’ help. She cooks dinner for me, expecting love and respect in return. But every time I go to his parents, they keep talking about these things and never let me complete my thoughts. Truthfully, I get so triggered now that I’ve lost all my kindness and emotional regulation. I’ve shouted at them as well. A few days ago, when my husband threw a fruit bowl at me, I went to his parents.
My FIL completely changed the topic for 40 to 50 minutes. I had to convince him just to acknowledge the issue until I lost my temper. If I’m late from duty, they’ll come to pick me up but never ask their son to. If he’s ignoring me and sitting with them till late at night, despite realizing it, they’ll never ask him to go. She doesn’t want to step back. I used to do his laundry it made me feel like I had some space in his life. Now, after a fight, he asked his mother to do it, and she happily agreed.
Sometimes, I feel like she’s a co-wife. I never expected competition from a mother. I don’t want to become my husband’s mother. Why is she competing with me unnecessarily? She keeps suggesting she’ll take care of my children I can’t have a nanny. She just wants to do things for people forcefully and then suppress them under her “beneficence,” showing her husband and son how giving she is while still making me the villain. I know the main issue is with my husband.
But I don’t know whether my in-laws deserve the intensity of hatred I have for them. Please tell me I have no words for the amount of hatred I feel. I was not this person. Hatred eats the soul from inside, and it’s eating mine. I never knew how jealousy and hatred felt. I curse them every moment. I always felt if I were kind, God would love me. This hatred makes me feel distant from God as well.
Question: Is my Mother In Law too toxic?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No