I am just a simple woman who loves to see the world in an optimistic way, but I’ve been failing desperately, especially for the past five years. I used to have a passion for a sport which I thought was my life. I never saw my life apart from that and went through a phase of do or die for my passion, which my family simply rejected. What hurt even more was hearing that they would have sent me if I were a boy. That depression and emptiness hit my life for two years until I forcibly moved on to prioritize my family’s health during the COVID time.
It took me another two years to understand that it wasn’t part of my destiny, and meanwhile, my physical health got worse. I finally became patient enough to take control of my physical and mental health while continuing my job search. It took me almost 1.5 years to get a job, and my health slowly improved. I started seeing hope and planning my life again for the next five years. But now, my family members are insisting that I get married as early as possible, and they have their own reasons for it.
Being in a conservative family, they always told me not to trust anyone easily. In addition to that, I have seen marital trauma for the past two generations, which means I have never seen a genuinely happy couple in the real world. This gave me a lot of trust issues around marriage. Personally, I went through a couple of inappropriate touches (I was in my uniform, not wearing revealing clothes) and a lot of creepy stares. I don’t want to generalize everyone out there, but I always ended up in traumatic experiences, which made me want to remain single forever and never trust.
I know the darkest truths of being in a toxic marriage it will not bring you peace even if you’ve been married for 30 to 40 years, as per my personal experience. On top of that, I’ve never really spent quality time with my friends or for myself after graduation. I know it’s difficult to catch up with old friends, but whenever they invited me or planned a trip, my family never allowed me. They never cared about my opinions, which sucks a lot, but I don’t give much thought to it anymore, knowing they believe they’re choosing the best for me which made me tolerate everything for them.
Now, another frustrating factor is are they marrying me off early just because I’m a girl? I’m very sure they wouldn’t marry me if I were a boy, and it would be justified as “he needs a compromising career,” which I apparently don’t, as long as they bear the dowry and the entire marriage cost. No matter how many times I try to ignore gender discrimination, I still go through the turmoil. My friends tell me to accept it since we don’t have any other option, but I don’t want to.
How many times should I accept? How many times should I move on by convincing myself, which is destroying my self esteem? I’ve come to the point of blaming my entire existence for all these problems. I know that one day I’ll have to sacrifice myself again for them, to take up a lot of relations and responsibilities that I’m not ready for. I still see a lot of fights in my family, which strengthens my decision to choose peace over relationships.
Please suggest some realistic habits that keep your mind occupied, and kindly don’t suggest therapy I’m living with my family, and they might not allow that. They overprotected me my entire life and are now trying to throw me at some random stranger whom I may or may not be able to trust. I don’t want to hurt anyone in this marriage, so it would be better if I remained single which is something I can’t even explain to my family.
The irony is, how can they expect me to express my opinion when I didn’t have one in the house I was raised in? I’m well aware that if I share my concerns with them, they will cleverly convince me as they always do.