Since childhood, I’ve been very confused. I belong to a developed village. I did my schooling there till class 7, at the age of 12. Since childhood, I’ve always been a topper. I was a very shy kid and used to stay at home only you could say I was an introvert. I was so innocent that I only learned about sex at the age of 11 to 12. So whenever my friends talked about girls and other stuff, I found myself relating to their words. After school, I used to search for porn, but I realized I was attracted to older men, not women.
In school, I was sexually attracted to my math teacher. I was a topper in math. He used to come to my home. I always tried to make him happy so he would touch me I was 10 at the time. I was a chubby boy, you could say, full of fat. At 11, I slept with my uncle; he touched me first. I got scared, then I felt better and enjoyed it. Later, I used to sleep with my dad; he also touched my cheeks, and I felt good. Lockdown came, and I became addicted to masturbation. But it was different 1 masturbated by imagining uncles aged 40 to 50.
At 14, my father sent me to a hostel. There, I was bullied for my physique and other things. One night, while I was sleeping, a senior threatened to leak my photos and said he would beat me. Two or three seniors tried to rape me, but this time, I wasn’t interested-they did it forcefully and said they’d tell everyone they raped me and kill me. I thought, What will my friends and parents think if I open up about this incident? This incident changed me a lot. I became depressed. I passed class 10th with 97%, and my parents sent me to Kota.
But here, the real issue arose again, I was sexually attracted to my chemistry teacher. At first, everything was going well, but then I became addicted to masturbation and my phone. I stopped studying. I didn’t even go to class. I was in pure depression and couldn’t focus on my studies. Currently, I’m in 12th grade. My JEE Mains exam happened, and I only got 84 percentile. I don’t even want to live this life. I was good at studies, but IIT is also ruined for me. I don’t want to live because I’m gay and failed terribly in JEE.
This patriarchal society is very bad they teach that men shouldn’t discuss their problems. Being a boy, I was bullied throughout my hostel life. Seniors told my classmates about the rape, and they mocked me, treating me like a failure. But I have a friend a girl from class 3. She never complained about my appearance and always understood me. I also have many female friends. I’ve never been sexually attracted to her, but I have feelings like I want her. I’ve never confessed this to her.
This has put me in huge trouble Am I gay or what? I don’t get attracted to boys my age, only to men aged 40 to 50. However, I know how gay people are treated in India. From childhood trauma, I’ve gained self hatred. I hate my sexuality Why did God make me like this? Why am I not confident? I have no friends because they always bullied me. By the time this message reaches you, maybe I won’t be in this world anymore.
Question: What should I do? I’ve lost my study skills. I can’t focus on studies, and how will I tell my parents about this? I’m thinking of suicide.
Option 1: Tell my parents
Option 2: Suicide