I don’t know where to start. My life seems settled sometimes, and the next I just feel clueless. I come from a middle-class family, so I have been working since I was 18 and have started equally contributing to my family since then. My dad is a good person, but every time he has to give money for his share of expenses, he always cribs. He gives it at the end of the day, but my mom has to remind him, and they keep arguing about money often.
It just feels very irritating as it happens the same way every month. Until now, I always wanted to marry after I am fully capable of handling my family alone, because there is no one else to take care of them, and I always had a dream of taking care of my parents and giving the best life to them. But I am just losing my patience because of this.
Recently, I got into an argument with my dad because he didn’t give money on time for rent which we share. He said he will not give it, so I said okay then vacate, which was hurtful to them, but I don’t like not paying rent on time. He states his employer didn’t pay him on time. He keeps saying this house is not good, vasthu isn’t good, etc.
But he didn’t show any interest in searching for a house citing his leg pain, which I understood and did by myself while working. I arranged money for the advance and booked a vehicle for shifting. During the argument, he said by 28 I should be married, and I am not even doing that. It just hurt me. They are one of the reasons. I made sure to take them out whenever possible because I want them to enjoy life.
It was my dream to show them the world and give them a comfortable life. But I am feeling like these hurtful statements are affecting the compassion I have for them. I don’t feel like they are thankful that I am doing things for them. I feel like my feelings are dying.
Now we live in a not so bad 2BHK in the heart of the city, but earlier we were in a place where there wasn’t even proper public transport and it was also a 1RK, but big enough. I had to wait hours for the bus. As soon as I started working, I made sure to come out of that place. But I am thankful for whatever my parents have done. I know they have done whatever they could.
If I can, I want to take full house responsibility on myself but I don’t earn that much. When I am stern about sharing expenses, they say I am being arrogant and disrespectful. How can we stay in a rented place and not pay on time? I just don’t like that.
Besides this, I have staring OCD which makes it uncomfortable to work, but since I am an equal contributor to my family, I have no other option but to work. I know I can search for work from home but I didn’t get it when I wanted and I don’t have the option to sit and wait until I get it. I am also trying to develop skills outside of work so I can try to have multiple streams of money.
But I fail to continue either due to sickness or just something else. I was in a relationship during my early 20s but it ended. I don’t have many friends but I feel like many people are fake or just opportunists. I don’t like such friendships. I want friends who are there for you always, not just when it fits them. I don’t know, I just have problems making friends after college. There could be some problem in me too.
I also don’t talk much because of staring OCD since it is very uncomfortable for me, but people seem to think I have attitude. So I end up being alone and helpless too. I have no problem being alone. I do travel solo but sometimes I feel lonely. Regarding relationships, I don’t want to get married now. I don’t like being dependent and want to earn. I also want to improve our family’s financial situation and then get married.
But whenever I see some nice guy, I just develop feelings or start fantasizing for a few days about them. I don’t know if it is normal. But I also don’t like it. I feel like it is wrong to feel for everyone who seems attractive. I am grateful for all the things and satisfied with whatever I have, but this constant clash at home makes me feel irritated about life. My staring OCD makes it uncomfortable for me to work or mingle with people.
I am not able to find a partner, but I develop feelings fast which I am not liking.
Question: Is it normal to get feelings or start fantasizing about everyone who seems attractive and am I wrong to raise my voice at my parents?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No