As a child (4 years old), I was physically abused by my neighbor and house staff, growing up without even knowing I was being abused. It stopped when I said “no” at 7 years old. I regretted that and had many disturbing thoughts as I grew older. While all my friends had boyfriends in school, I decided I would love and marry just one special person. I would only get intimate when I was truly in love. I had a secret crush on my cousin. During the first year of college, I thought I was in love with him but didn’t want to express it.
He found out through my friend and said he liked me too, which felt like walking in the clouds for me. We never went on dates we directly got physical twice at 18. Two months later, he said he needed a break, but promised to marry me. At 19, our parents proposed marriage between us. He said he was seeing someone else. I couldn’t accept that. I told him either he informs his family about what we went through or he agrees to marry me. Lacking the guts to inform his parents or brother, he married me at 22.
After two years of marriage, when I was 24, I found out he had been seeing my best friend during college and had been in a relationship with another girl even after our engagement. I was shattered to pieces. I asked him if he wanted to continue a relationship with me or leave. He said I would be the only woman in his life. I trusted him blindly and had a child with him. I often begged for love. We got physically intimate once or twice a year. He was interested in a threesome and asked me if I was okay with it. I could never understand him.
Later, at 32, I learned that my husband had hit on another friend while I was pregnant. I realized I had never and would never received love in my marriage. But I couldn’t step out of it because I was not financially independent, and we had a child. I lived with a constant void. Then, I met my school friend. He felt like the soulmate I had been searching for. We were both stuck in failed marriages. Love sparked between us. We made love it felt like my soul was finally loved. I never felt regret.
I was in love for the very first time. To hear someone say they loved me for the first time felt magical. Eventually, my husband found out about my love and was shocked, but he couldn’t say much because he had never loved me. I explained what my friend had healed in me, and he was still angry for reasons even we don’t understand. He is currently talking with his ex from another country. He has always liked other women and has explicitly told me how much he hates me. But he is a good father.
Neither of us has the courage to leave the marriage for the sake of our child. Our society and our parents won’t support the decision. And that’s why I’m okay with my husband sleeping with his girlfriend.
Question: Can anyone understand why I’m like this?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No