So I am done with 12th now, and this is about when I was in mid 11th year. I am a NEET aspirant. I met this guy let his name be “PR,” just to make it easier to talk about him. We met through a random group chat, and we started talking and got close. He would talk to me and express his care, and he would say he loved me. He is somewhere between 22 to 26 years old. In 10th grade, I was in a toxic relationship and due to that, I had such bad depression that I was on pills. At home, my parents were so tired of me that they would warn me.
If I didn’t stop being sad or crying, they would drop me out of school and send me to a mental hospital. Also, at the start of 11th, I was sexually assaulted by my 10th class ex-boyfriend’s friend. When I met PR, he got so close to me, and he knew about these things. He cared about me and gave me his precious time and healed me. I somehow felt he loved me so much. But I didn’t want to hurt him, as I hated myself at that time and I couldn’t keep relying on him and make him suffer due to me or deal with my stress and my problems.
I didn’t want him to get affected in any way, and that’s the reason I kept pushing him away using studies as an excuse and said it wouldn’t work out. Yet, after a few months, he tried talking to me, but again I repeated the mistake and pushed him away. After one month, I was clear about my feelings that I love him, and it’s not because he supported me but for who he is. I tried searching for his ID, but it was deleted. I kept checking it every day and also tried finding his ID on Snap and everywhere.
Then I thought he would be studying or something, because that time he was in college + doing his internship. Then the year ended, and in January this year, I texted him on WhatsApp, hoping to talk. But his cousin let his name be “AY” told me that PR had completely cut off from social media and is preparing for a job. So I thought, okay, I’ll let him work on himself and thought that maybe after some days, he would have his SIM back and he would text me.
But then it was May, and my NEET was done. I decided I would reach out myself, and it was still AY using his SIM. At that time, I said I wanted to talk to PR. So AY called PR and told him about it. PR said he doesn’t want to talk since it’s bad for his mental health and that he has a girlfriend now and he’s happy. Then I realized how big a mistake I made and how badly I hurt him, and the cutoff was not for the job but it was because of me.
Then I recorded everything I had to say to explain, and also the reason why I kept pushing him away in the past and how I missed him and tried contacting him for the past 7 months and that I still love him and how much he means to me. I didn’t have his number, so I sent the recording to AY, and he forwarded it to PR. Then PR replied with this message. Let my name be “Jen”. “Jen, I listened to all your voice messages and I’m surprised. I guess I misunderstood everything when I was with you, and it’s not all your fault there were many mistakes on my part too.
The thing is, you never said ‘wait for me, so I really thought we wouldn’t end up together. Even when I tried coming back, you distanced yourself. It’s alright, I know mistakes happen. Don’t blame yourself. I was in the wrong too. I should have understood better what you wanted and acted accordingly. Now, Jen, I wish I could do something, but I can’t. I’m in a relationship and I can’t ditch her. She was there when no one was. It would be so bad if I did that, and she knows me well and cares for me. I can’t even imagine ditching her.
I wish I could do something, Jen, but I’m really sorry. I got emotional listening to all your voice messages. I was thinking how I wish everything had gone right back then. But now, Jen, I can’t do anything 🙁 Please move on and take care of yourself. I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me and I hope you get everything you want. Please heal yourself and take care of your mental health. I’m well and healthy here, and I hope the same for you. If possible, then we’ll meet someday, somewhere. Till then, please help yourself and take care of yourself.
Thank you for everything, Jen, and I’m so so sorry.” He sent this message to AY, and AY forwarded it to me. Even though I hurt him so much, still his message was warm and had no hate for me. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do. I broke him and I am very, very, very guilty about it. I want to win his heart back. I know this is very shameful to say since he is already in a relationship, but also is he with her because she was there when no one else was? And now, out of gratitude, he is with her?
Or does he love me? Does he still love me? I can’t move on. I am fixed on him. I want him in my life and want to fix every part of him that I broke and do my best for him. Please suggest to me what to do so that he loves me again. Is there any chance he will come back to me? If someday, for some reason, they break up will he come to me? Also, he got a job in Haryana now, and I am from Haryana. I am going there for a week at the end of this month to meet relatives. Should I meet him as well?
What do I do now? I am so guilty. I know I’m selfish to say I want him back, but I really, really, really wish and pray that God gives me just one chance, and I will fix everything. I will always be there for him whenever he comes, and even if he doesn’t.