I don’t know what to do anymore or how to manage my life after everything that has happened. Here’s a brief about my situation:
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (whom I always called my wife in front of others) for 11 years. She was the only person I ever loved and the only one I ever wanted to marry. I never had any other female friends or emotional connections with anyone else my focus was solely on her. From the start of our relationship, I was dedicated to building a strong career so that we could have a happy married life. I discussed my expectations with her early on, openly and honestly.
Financial Independence:
I encouraged her to study, get a job, and be financially independent. I wanted her to be secure, even if someday life threw unexpected challenges our way. I was also building savings and security for us. I believed that in a partnership, we should both be able to help and support each other and our families when needed.
Maintaining Healthy Boundaries:
I had no problem with her having male friends it’s natural. But I asked for healthy boundaries: no private outings, no intimate late night calls, and definitely no situations that could encourage emotional cheating. My only concern was protecting our relationship from misunderstandings and heartache.
I made it clear:
These were my only two expectations. If she ever found them difficult or unfair, I was always open to discussing them not just expecting her to agree blindly. I never claimed to be perfect; I’m human too. However, every time I tried to bring these things up, she avoided the conversation, accusing me of being possessive, jealous, controlling, immature, and childish. Over time, painful incidents kept happening. She went out alone with male friends.
She allowed a male friend to stay at her house overnight. She shared personal details, like being alone at home, with other men. Even accidentally sent “love you” messages to male friends. Despite all this, I continued to stay, forgive, and believe things could change because I loved her. For 10 years, she has remained jobless, despite being well educated. Meanwhile, I worked hard, managed my career, and built our future. I am now focusing on buying a house, a car, and securing everything we would need for our life together.
Financially, I never demanded help from her, but I hoped we would eventually stand side by side. I even told her, “If not financially, at least after marriage, help me with taking care of the house, my parents, and the small needs of daily life.” Of course, I would always help too I just wanted partnership. My family knows about her and supports our relationship. I am 30 years old now; so is she. My parents, now in their 60s to 70s, dream of seeing me married and settled happily.
Earlier this year, I asked her if we could marry by March to April next year. Her reply shattered me: “I was ready to marry you two years ago, but you said no. Now, I don’t want to marry you. Tell that to your parents.” Two years ago, when she wanted marriage, I was earning just 30k a month, paying a home loan, and supporting my retired parents. I couldn’t afford a 4 to 5 lakhs wedding and a 2 to 3 lakh marriage hall she wished for.
Out of fear and love, I asked her to give me some time to become financially stronger I thought she would understand and support me. Instead, during that time, she started drifting away: stopped trying for a job, met new male friends, and became more distant. Even now, after working so hard, earning a better salary, and finally feeling ready, she doesn’t even want to talk. For 3 months, she hasn’t responded to my calls or messages. She tells me clearly.
“I don’t want to marry you anymore.” Her family still doesn’t even know about me I’m just another “male friend” in their eyes. I have questioned myself a thousand times: Did I ask for too much? Did I become someone she couldn’t love anymore? Did I only care about money, as she says? I have paid for every meal, every outing, every gift sometimes when I had only ₹300 in my account, even breaking my Fixed Deposits just to see her smile.
Yet, today, she tells me:
“Because of you, I couldn’t build a career, I lost my friends. You’re possessive, toxic, immature, selfish, and only care about money.” I asked her directly if she loved someone else now. She said no. But she admitted she lost interest and love for me.
Where I Am Now:
I’m lost. I can’t focus on my career. My health is suffering. I feel unbearably lonely, with no one to talk to. I even get suicidal thoughts sometimes but I won’t act on them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I gave everything my love, my dreams, my future but today, I feel like I have nothing left. Recently, one girl approached me in my office and said she likes me. She wants to go on a date and marry me, but I’m keeping her away, saying:
“Please let me heal. If you’re okay to wait, please keep trust in me I will marry you. But let me heal from this trauma.” The new girl says she is loyal, committed, and all that but I said: “I can’t trust myself in the current situation. How should I trust you?” Hence, I told her either please find yourself a good guy and leave happily, or please wait for me to heal.
She said she wants to help me heal, but I said: “I don’t want to take your help and then regret it. It’s my own grief let me suffer and heal.” Till then, we can be friends, with a lot of boundaries to not cross the friend zone. So, I’m stuck with my old life while the new life wants me. Dead in between, not knowing what to choose.
Question: Why do some women not understand the meaning of loyalty, commitment, and importance towards one person? Is it so hard for them?
Option 1: Should I wait for my past to come back?
Option 2: Should I accept my future?