I recently called off my engagement 2 months back. Through an arranged marriage, I met this guy who had quite a pleasing personality. We instantly clicked, and our families met and agreed, as we were really happy together. Within 18 days of our first meeting, we decided to get engaged.
While fixing the date, one of my relatives mentioned we had astrological issues (kundali), and I discussed the same with him. His reaction was, “I don’t believe in that, and no matter what, I just want you.” He even said he loved me so much that if my family denied it, we could even do a court marriage. I was so happy, as I had never been in any kind of relationship before.
I fought with my family and convinced them to get us engaged as soon as possible. But before the engagement, things started deteriorating. He would fight with me over petty issues, such as turning on the “last seen” on WhatsApp, not having two WhatsApp accounts (one of which was my official account), and not having two Instagram accounts.
As I’m a faculty member, I have many students on social media, so I can’t post everything on my main account this was already discussed with him. Lately, he started comparing me to his mother and said he expected the same treatment from me that she gave him. I tried to explain that I needed time to understand him, but that ended up in a huge fight.
After sorting it out, such fights became very common. Every time he was upset, I used to travel 45 km alone after my work shift at 8 p.m. just to see him. Later, I found out from him that he didn’t have good terms with his family (his dad, brother, sister-in-law, cousins), friends, or office mates. I’m an extrovert and a positive personality, but being with him made me completely negative.
He used to tell me to focus only on him and push everyone else aside. When I got a call from family or friends, he would ask about every detail of the conversation, and I would happily tell him, thinking he was concerned but I was wrong. I was so madly in love that I would even lie to my parents if he needed me. Soon we got engaged, and things got worse. Even if I talked to my girlfriends, he would get angry.
Then he started verbally and physically abusing me. As I had never been physically intimate before, I wasn’t comfortable but we still tried. During the first intercourse, he abused me horribly. Eventually, I had to tell my brother everything, as he used to observe how I’d return home with teary eyes. I kept thinking I should compromise that maybe this was how arranged marriages work but he completely refused to compromise.
Instead, he started gaslighting me. Whenever it was his fault, he would blame me, calling me “immature.” Finally, my brother said no to the marriage, and I had to call it off. When I told him I couldn’t get married, he was very okay with it. He said that since I was calling it off, I should be the one to beg him to take me back to which I said no, and he let it go just like that.
To keep it short: dominance and abuse became a part of daily life, and I still can’t sleep at night thinking about what I’ve gone through. I went into depression after calling it off and am still in therapy. Do men change their behavior this frequently? I still can’t figure out what my fault was.
Question: Should a girl leave all her identity and traits before marriage?
1. Should a girl change herself for a boy/love?
2. Is love this scary?