Let me start with a bit about myself. I have been in three relationships, two during school and college, and one after that. In college, I had a serious relationship that included physical intimacy, but he ended up leaving me for another girl. A year later, I developed feelings for a colleague who was initially just a friend. I trusted him deeply and told him everything about my past, everything except the fact that I was not a virgin.
In the beginning, he acted mature and said he was okay with it. We eventually got physically involved too. But everything changed after that. He suddenly started holding my past against me, constantly taunting me and saying he could not accept it. He began to control every aspect of my life. He told me I could not wear jeans or T-shirts, could not talk to male colleagues, could not even go out with female friends if there was a chance any boys would be around.
And when I would ask permission to meet even my girl best friend, he would say, you have already done so much in the past, you have lost the right to ask anything. But the worst part is that everything he said I was not allowed to do, he started doing himself. Talking to girls, going out with them, treating them with kindness, while I got treated like garbage. When I questioned him, he threw it back in my face, saying, you are not a good girl, you do not deserve to question me.
He insulted me. He degraded me. He used disgusting words and even called me second hand and not fresh. All while pampering his female friends and treating me like I was nothing. And I stayed. Even when he emotionally tortured me. Even when he made me feel worthless. I stayed because we had told our families about each other. I stayed because I thought maybe, just maybe, things would change. But he never stopped throwing my past in my face.
I was his first, and somehow that became the reason he thought he could own me, crush my dignity, and still expect me to be grateful. Now I do not know what to do. Am I truly undeserving of love and respect? Do I have to keep paying for a past I never hid, a past I was honest about? Why does he get to live freely while I am judged every day for who I used to be? I am breaking inside. Should I continue to tolerate this man who shames me daily?
Should I feel thankful just because he has not left me yet? Or should I finally walk away and believe that I deserve better? Please help me. I am really stuck.