At 19, I got into a relationship with a girl. She was everything I wanted. She had a really pure and innocent heart. I was from a middle class background, but my dad started poor and worked really hard he had 3 income streams. She was rich because her dad was a doctor in a hospital and also had a private clinic. One time we were discussing the future, and she told me she didn’t want to be poor, and I assured her I would provide a stable lifestyle.
After about 2 years, my dad suddenly got dismissed from his job as Assistant Director of Finance. I wasn’t worried because we had a business, which I occasionally helped with, as I was still completing my graduation. A few months later, after dinner, my dad said he wanted to talk. That night he showed me the sales and expense ledger, he used to maintain everything.
To my surprise, he was pouring money into the business from his own pocket, as our revenue had been going down for the past 2 years. It was a shock to me. Then he said, “Do you want to take over? Because now I can’t afford the losses.” I was in my final year, so I told him I wanted to complete my studies first. Long story short, he sold everything he had built, and we shifted to a small home.
My dad told me he only had enough money left for my siblings’ education and my sisters’ weddings. That was true I filed his tax returns the following year. At 22, she told me she was getting proposals, and I had to get a good job ASAP and send a proposal, which scared me to the core. At 23, I graduated and started looking for jobs, applying to hundreds of places but no luck.
I was only being offered low paying jobs, like 15k or 20k per month. I was getting frustrated. I told my dad that I wasn’t getting a good job in the corporate sector and maybe I should drive a taxi in my free time since I had a license and could buy a car on loan. He got mad and told me to shut up, saying I hurt his ego.
My girlfriend also started ignoring me and would only occasionally talk. I was in extreme mental frustration due to no job, constant pressure from family, and from her too. She was under pressure as well, as her dad wanted to marry her off. She suggested I talk to my parents and tell them to lie about my salary and send a proposal and after marriage, we’d figure it out.
That felt weird, but I mustered the courage and spoke to my mom. She said there’s no way she would lie to anyone. I then asked her to at least get us engaged, I was actively looking for a better job. She said, “Until when? It’s already been a year since you graduated, and you’re still doing a loser job.”
The next time I spoke to my girlfriend, I told her everything that my parents wouldn’t lie. They weren’t against our marriage but didn’t want to lie about my financial condition. That frustrated her even more. A few days later, she sent a “Fuck you!” and blocked me. I was devastated. I knew I had lost her. My world was fucked up. She was my whole world.
She probably thinks I was just passing time with her but that’s not true. I was willing to do everything for her. I know how hard I was trying. I felt helpless and frustrated. My whole world was burning. After that, I lost interest in almost everything. I stopped eating, stopped talking. To escape reality, I would sleep 16 to 18 hours a day. But even sleep started haunting me with her memories.
So I started playing games for 16-18 hours. Even games felt bland. I started wandering the streets late at night. I was so suicidal. I even got hit by a car because I used to walk lost in my thoughts. When I woke up no serious injuries. After that, I just stayed in my room, in a corner, and cried. A year passed like that.
One day, my dad knocked on my door and came in. I always kept the lights off. He asked, “Can I turn on the lights?” I said, “Please don’t,” and he obliged. He sat on my bed. There was an awkward silence for a few minutes. Then he asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing, I’m fine.” He asked, “Is there anything I can do for you?” I said, “There’s nothing left to do now.”
He said, “If you look at your pictures from two years ago, you were healthy, handsome, and lively.” There was a small ray of light shining through the half opened door. When he was leaving, I accidentally looked into his eyes and saw all my hurt reflected in his wet eyes. Even though we barely spoke, I understood everything he wanted to say. He was hurting because now his world was burning.
That night, I cried myself to sleep. The next day, I had breakfast with my family. I started looking for jobs again and pretended like I was okay. That same month, I found another low paying job and accepted it. After working there for a year, they fired two employees and gave me a very small raise. Now I was doing three people’s work for 25k at age 26. I also enrolled in a master’s degree while working.
At 27, I got another job near my university and accepted it that company had several branches across the country. The salary was low, but working hours were shorter. I also joined a part time coaching job. With two jobs and my master’s degree, I kept myself occupied.
I completed my post grad, and even before I got the degree, I received another job offe this time with 3x the salary. Now I’m 29, and my parents want me to get married. But I’m not sure. I still can’t sleep properly. I have weird trust issues. I lock the door and check it twice. I don’t know if I can do justice to another girl.
I feel lonely and deprived of love, but I don’t want to share this with anyone and look weak or weird. What should I do? How can I forget her completely?
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