I am posting my story again. I didn’t reveal much in my last post due to my insecurities, but after seeing your replies, I think you all might be able to help me. I come from a very conservative place a village in Bihar. My father’s family was well respected in the village. From a young age, my father had a rude demeanor, anger issues, and a patriarchal mindset about women. My maternal grandfather died when my mother was 15. After her 12th boards, her brother married her off to my father when she was just 18, and he was 28.
Due to financial problems, they couldn’t give much dowry, which is why my mother suffered the most. My father would always beat her over small issues. In 2005, my elder brother was born. In 2008, when my mother was pregnant with me, my father kicked her stomach during an argument, leading to a critical situation. She was hospitalized immediately, and I was delivered at 7.5 months. You might wonder how this can be true, but I swear I’m not lying. After my birth, the nurse accidentally dropped me, which caused severe health problems.
I spent months in the hospital, and these issues persist to this day. From the beginning, I was different from other children, according to my mother. I was deeply emotionally connected to her. My father and grandmother disliked me they believed I was the problem. After my birth, my father’s and uncles’ businesses declined rapidly. A baba (holy man) claimed I was born on the wrong date, and they followed all his superstitions. Some villagers spread rumors that a ghost lived inside me, warning others to stay away.
I joined school at age 4 and was a topper from the start. The school promoted me twice, so I completed 12th grade at 16. As a child, I was calm but had a frustrated mind. I always kept to myself. In 2017, my mother died of cancer. With no one to care for us, my father sent me and my brother to hostels but different ones. I was so naive that I didn’t even know about sex at the time. In school, boys often commented on my “girl like physique” and called me cute.
One uncle would rub my cheeks, but I didn’t realize it was sexual abuse sometimes, I even found it pleasant, though I didn’t understand why. In the hostel, I was fat and bullied frequently. I was emotional and cried over small things. One night, a senior called me over, touched me inappropriately, and threatened to kill me if I screamed. Then, several boys removed my pants and raped me. I didn’t even understand what sex was. The worst part was when they spat semen into my mouth.
It was excruciating, I bled the next morning. This incident traumatized me deeply. To this day, they still call and threaten to expel me if I speak up. The news spread across the school, and classmates bullied me relentlessly. I became severely depressed, cried constantly, and had no friends. They treated me like an untouchable. I even considered suicide, but I held on for my little sister’s sake. In 2019, my father remarried and had another child. My little sister, born in 2012, is the only one I love.
She waits eagerly for my vacations so we can spend time together. My stepmother isn’t outright cruel, but she dislikes me because I complain about her cooking and other things. Since childhood, I’ve struggled with my sexuality. At 8, an uncle tried to rape me, and though I didn’t fully understand, his touch felt pleasurable. Over time, I realized I wasn’t interested in girl only older men, not boys my age. In 7th grade, a friend introduced me to porn.
During vacations, I masturbated to gay porn; in the hostel, I relied on imagination. I felt regret afterward. Some might say I “enjoyed” the assaults and now play the victim, but that’s not true-l never wanted sex with those boys. By 8th to 9th grade, I only had sexual feelings for older men. In 10th grade, I scored 97.8% and was the district topper. Good at math, I decided to pursue JEE and moved to Kota at 14. For the first time, I had a phone, but a classmate (a NEET aspirant with a criminal streak) found out I was there.
He pretended to befriend me, then threatened to rape me. When I said I’d report him, he blackmailed me, claiming he knew about my past and would ruin my reputation. One day, he attacked me with a belt. Terrified, I changed hostels and cut contact with old classmates, but the trauma destroyed my studies. In Kota, I met a girl in a park. We became close, and I shared all my pain with her. For the first time, someone truly listened. Over time, I developed deep emotional feelings for her.
When I confessed, she accepted a relationship until a boy called, claiming she was his girlfriend. He sent me her nudes, proving she had a boyfriend. Devastated, I confronted her, and when I mentioned my attraction to men, she blocked me. We met again in the park, where she admitted she loved me but couldn’t marry me if I was gay. That shattered me. My two years in Kota ended with no progress just 91 percentile in JEE and 87% in 12th boards.
Now, I don’t know who I am. I’m sexually attracted to older men but emotionally attached to her. I don’t even care about her relationship I just want to be with her. My depression worsened in Kota, and I nearly committed suicide on May 26, 2024, due to:
1. My gay identity
2. My chubby physique
3. My failing academics
4. My health issues (constant stomach pain, bloating, weakness)
5. Lack of family support
That morning, severe stomach pain led to a kidney stone diagnosis, forcing me to return home. Now, my health is deteriorating, but my father refuses proper medical care. My stepmother taunts me for “wasting money,” ignoring my past achievements. I’m done with life. Sometimes I feel like a victim, but I’m not seeking sympathy just sharing because I have no one else. Some may call me chhaka (effeminate) or say I’m “not a man,” but I don’t want to fit patriarchal standards
I’m unhappy, and tomorrow is my birthday. I’m planning suicide again, but my sister keeps me holding on. My elder brother died by suicide in 2023 (a long story I won’t detail). I miss my mom terribly.
Question: How to get rid of this?
Option 1: Suicide
Option 2: I think besides suicide, no option is best