We happened to start a conversation over social media last April, and he came to my city to meet me after a month of talking. Somehow, we both believed in the idea of dating to marry in the future only. He was already 34, so he already had family and societal pressure to get married soon, but without knowing him much, that would have been a hasty decision. He had mentioned me at his home from the very beginning, and I had told my cousin about him, probably because we belonged to the same caste, same home state.
Due to my profession, I was required to stay out of our home state for the next 1.5 years, and marriage would not be possible in this time frame. I had conveyed my problems to him though. After 3 months, due to some minor issues and changes in his way of talking, I could sense the difference and questioned him. I felt something wasn’t right. Of course, he had told me he had a past relationship of 3 years during our first meeting, and due to caste issues, they couldn’t end up getting married.
But somewhere I felt there was more to this story. We both belonged to the same caste, and probably that’s why he approached me with a proposal of marriage, but I didn’t want to marry someone without love or genuine connection or because I was treated as an option and not a choice. I questioned him about his past relationship, to which he lied about the person and other related details. Upon doing some background investigation, I discovered the mismatch in their respective stories.
I confronted him, to which he counter blamed me saying, “he wouldn’t have lied if I hadn’t asked this question,” and tried to gaslight and manipulate me into thinking that whatever he did was to protect me from being hurt. He insisted we get married as he genuinely liked me and wanted to build a future together, completely dismissing the emotional conflicts I was going through. I felt cheated, manipulated, and lied to.
We met only three times, and one of those times he introduced me to his cousin. Later during a fight, he mentioned, “his cousin thinks of me as not from the same standard” (I am a well settled working woman, earn decently, and have a good educational background, so not sure how he thought that way). This really blew my trust in him as he didn’t defend me, and moreover quoted what his cousin said during a fight to gain control. Perhaps then I realized the red flag for the first time. Yet I believed maybe he said it in a fit of the moment, but something was really broken the trust.
Parallelly, I was constantly asked by his family when I would mention our marriage at my home, but his lies overpowered the faith I had in him and in us. Later, I discovered him checking out his ex’s Facebook profile as the message tab was displaying on the screen of his laptop window. I questioned him, to which he diverted the story saying the old message had some important links, which is why he was checking it out. This on and off conversation became quite common between us.
In October, I was asked by his relative if I had decided on marriage or not, as he was growing old and couldn’t wait longer. I told my genuine concern and dilemma I couldn’t decide based on assumptions and future possibilities that everything might go right, and especially with the present scenario, it seemed difficult to overlook. I chose to step out of the way so that he could move on with arranged marriage prospects.
We went into no contact mode for the next 2 months, but in the first week of January, on January 11th, he called me saying, “Should we give ourselves another chance and let our parents meet, as he doesn’t want to marry a stranger through an arranged marriage setup?” His family might have confirmed on this arranged marriage proposal by January 16th, creating a sense of urgency for me to take action. I couldn’t process the whole story, his rush.
I was longing and had always expected his return but wanted him to realize his mistake and come back as a better person, to make things better for us. But after 2 months of no contact, he came back only to ask me to make a choice. Needless to say, I hadn’t overcome his past lies and deceit and thought maybe it was another lie again. We continued talking normally, and after a week, he suddenly busted the news about his marriage being fixed, and I was totally in shock, broken, unable to process this sudden disclosure.
Later, he told me all the wrong details about the girl and when the marriage would be, perhaps to make me feel jealous. I kept asking for clarity was this really happening or was it another lie? I asked him for proof, and he kept playing with the facts, telling me he was getting married on February 14th, but kept calling me even on February 10th. Later, through social media, I discovered he got engaged on February 16th, and even on February 19th he talked to me over a call as if no engagement had happened.
I literally felt cheated, lied to, and manipulated. Even after all this, he said, “I don’t even know what wrong did I do? I even asked you for marriage and to let our parents meet, but you refused.” And now he is going to get married soon, saying