I am a 25 years old female. I met this guy in my college canteen. We talked, became friends, and started dating. It was my first relationship. I had been physically abused by someone as a teen, so before confessing my love, I told him about my past. He didn’t say anything initially and was very sweet. I have anxiety, so I was hesitant with physical intimacy, but I overcame it for him.
Everything was good for about a year. Then he said he wanted to have sex. I said it was too early, but he kept saying, “Why? Don’t you love me? Don’t you trust me?” I didn’t want to hurt him, so I said yes. But then I refused, saying I had an infection. He knew I was lying. After that, he refused to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me. Didn’t pick up my calls. Didn’t wish me either. I kept calling him, brought gifts, but he did nothing.
Again, he said, “You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t have refused.” I felt like I was hurting a man who accepted my past without question, so I said yes. But I felt pain during it. It didn’t end well. He didn’t talk to me nicely for weeks. Refused to meet me. Said I was throwing my emotional baggage on him. When I said I was afraid something would go wrong, he just said, “Ugh, women know how to handle sex. Girls like you don’t.
I just needed some reassurance, that’s it.” He started talking nicely again after some time, but things were never the same. He began making remarks about my past. Used it against me during arguments. He had female friends which I had no problem with. He had two failed relationships. I tried my best to be different. He used abusive words for me but never on text or call. Only to my face. Then he acted like he never said it.
I learned those words from him the only difference is I said it on chat, He threw my gifts away. And called me materialistic because I asked for a bouquet on my birthday (even though he had money and a job). In 5 years, He blocked me from Instagram, saying I don’t post about him though I used to put stories with him. When I asked if he’d do the same, he said, “I have family on Insta, I can’t post you.”
Then said, “My friends’ girlfriends post them even if they’re not posted back.” He kept me blocked after fights. Didn’t pick up my calls. I tried reaching him texted his friend, replied to his story (he had put up a story with my bf). I asked his friend about him. His friend said, “He doesn’t talk to me much.” That jerk even asked me out for coffee. I refused.
When I was unblocked, I told my bf everything. He called me a Randi for talking to his friend. I gave him the whole conversation and even said, “You can ask him yourself.” We had a fight. Later, I apologized. He did too but never unblocked me from Instagram. He made random girls his friends, flipped the story 3 times about whether he had a conversation with them. Didn’t tell me he was going out. Ignored my texts.
Later said, “It was a sudden plan.” I said nothing. He resigned from his job and didn’t even tell me. Didn’t tell me when he was out with friends or at the market. He said, “I’ll tell you what I feel is important. Don’t eat my head.” Then told me not to call constantly. When I stopped, he started a fight, saying, “You don’t call enough.” (Even though I called at the time he told me to.)
He has never appreciated my efforts. Made me feel bad for asking him to order a meal. Once I said, “Main kisi ko nahi bolta hoon yeh sab karne ko. Tumko hi shauk hai yeh sab bakwas ka. Don’t know how materialistic you are.” But if I forget to feed him once before eating, he remembers that forever but forgets the times I did. If I say no to anything, he starts taking revenge.
Sometimes he treats me nicely. Then suddenly, like shit. If I don’t call, he won’t. He says, “I pick up your calls, isn’t that enough?” Says: “Tum sex nahi karogi toh main kisi aur ke saath karunga.” I plan small picnics and dates just to spend time with him. He says, “Date a woman if you want all this.” His only wants: Sex. Cook something for me. That’s it. He does things for me, then makes me feel guilty.
Constantly says, “I did this for you. That for you. You’re thankless. Selfish.” I’ve never asked him for expensive gifts or too much time. Never cut him off from anyone. I even told my mother about him. I do what I can, I’ve given him the same love and care I expected. He says he wants live in, not marriage. When I said no, he started saying no to everything I asked. I’ve stopped sharing my feelings. Never ask for gifts anymore not even for my birthday.
He made me hate roses and bouquets. I don’t even talk about my anxiety anymore he says it’s all drama. When I replicate his behavior, he says I’m a revengeful woman. He compares me to his female friends and exes. Doesn’t block his ex but blocks me in a second. I feel like ending my life. Hurting myself. Like I just want something to happen to me so I’m not here anymore. I hurt myself. Cut myself. Every night.
My anxiety is so bad I can’t even breathe. Am I a bad person? If yes, then tell me what should I do to make him happy? I love him a lot. He is my everything. Please tell me how to be better for him. What can I do so he loves me the way he did in the beginning? I’m ready to do anything. Please help me. I feel so helpless.
Question: Am I an awful person?
Option 1: Yes, how should I improve?
Option 2: No
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