I met my first boyfriend online during an internship. We became friends, and soon after graduation, we started a relationship. I trusted him to be an innocent and genuine person, but 11 months later, I found out he cheated on me with 3 other girls. I couldn’t handle the pain and immediately entered into another relationship with another guy who was my online friend (He’s an IIT KGP graduate, and we got introduced to each other through a mutual friend).
Now, a little flashback. This guy had been my online friend for a few months, and he would propose to me often (he got cheated on as well in the past), yet I would politely reject him. But when I got cheated on, I realised that if I gave him a chance, he wouldn’t cheat on me, as we both knew how wrong cheating was. He was also 26, so I thought he was a mature and serious man.
Back to the story, we had a good start. It was LDR from the start, as he lived in his village working from home, but slowly, he stopped putting in effort. We would constantly fight about this. I knew most guys would change after getting into relationships, but I thought he was different. When I told him about how efforts are important in a relationship, he simply said that I was wrong and even refused to buy me gifts. I never complained, though I bought him and his family gifts.
At this point, both of our parents were also involved, so I used to talk to his mother often. Whenever we had a fight, he would go on to complain about me to his parents, and they would get involved in our fights and defend him even when he was wrong. I always asked him not to involve his parents in our personal fights, but he never listened. He started showing his proud, narcissistic, and manipulative side by always proving me wrong in discussions and telling me how emotional, dramatic, and toxic I was, and how, if he knew this before, he would’ve never proposed to me.
He would always tell me not to go out and waste my time with my friends and to be a lone wolf like him. He and his family always expected me to work, cook, and clean for him (without his help) and cut ties with my friends after marriage. This was all shocking to me, and that’s why I contacted his ex behind his back to know the truth. She said she left him and liked someone else, as she felt suffocated with him. She told me to escape, but I didn’t listen to her because I was madly in love with him.
When he came to know about me contacting his ex, he flipped in anger and wanted to break up with me. That’s when I did something I regret the most. I touched his feet, begging him to stay, and he pushed me off. I told his parents that we got physical (not to the point of having sex, but there was intimacy), so I’m emotionally attached to him and can’t leave him, and he straight-up denied it. I somehow convinced him to stay.
Two months later, we had a fight again, and I broke up. We both knew it was always me who came crying back and apologising to him, as usual. But this time, he blocked me and my parents everywhere. Even his parents blocked us. His last words were, “I don’t want to be in a toxic relationship.” I panicked and secretly travelled alone to his hometown to resolve the issue, only to be told by his parents that he had left his parents and house.
I returned heartbroken, only to be told by his cousin that he and his parents had lied to me just to get rid of me and that he was, in fact, enjoying his single life, sending snaps, etc. He even had the audacity to say to his cousin that I loved him only because of his IIT tag. I still don’t understand where I went wrong. 1.2 years of efforts and love went in vain. I still love him.
Question: Whose fault is it?
1. Me (Is it because I was toxic?)
2. Or was I a victim of narcissistic abuse?