This is my second marriage. My husband, who had never married before, knew everything about my past. As the wedding approached, he became very concerned about marrying me and started being rude. He used to bring up my past and degrade me. I was scared to call off the engagement because I didn’t want to hurt my parents, and I didn’t have a good support system to share what was going on. I told my husband’s brother-in-law what was happening and asked him to talk to my husband.
My husband decided to marry me anyway. But things only got worse after the wedding. He was demeaning, emotionally and verbally abusive for 7 months. I, once a strong woman, turned into this self loathing, pathetic woman who begged, cried, and hit myself so that he would feel I was punished enough. Then he stopped, but he made me cut off all my friends and leave everything I owned furniture, clothes, and my car. Then we started having the usual relationship issues.
He is from a lower-middle-class family and is the first person to come to the USA and do well in life. So all his relatives and parents, who get monetary support from him, never said anything to him when he was irresponsible or rude. After marrying me, he didn’t like that I pointed out his bad behavior even when I did it in a non judgmental way. He used to spin it to blame me instead, even for things that were small and irrelevant. He just didn’t like hearing that he might have done something wrong. I used to get upset.
Then, after lots of explaining and trying to work on his communication skills, I started getting angry when he blamed me for his shitty behavior. He didn’t like me getting angry, so he was meaner to me. Then I started crying, and he hated that even more. We have been married for a year now. He is nice to me sometimes or when there are people around, but his biggest issue is with my emotional reactions to his behavior. He made a big deal in front of the parents that I cry all the time, and the last year has been miserable.
Of course, our parents want us to adjust and settle things down. He says he has already done a lot for me, that he’s not going to change, and that I’m just someone who doesn’t know how to have a married life that I’m a whore and I ruin families. And obviously, my mom is frustrated that I put them in this situation. I work, so I don’t need any monetary support from him. In fact, he didn’t even have a job last year, and I took care of all the bills. He is not happy that I don’t cook as much as his mom, who is a homemaker.
No matter how much I do, it’s just not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t trust him with my emotional or physical well being. I don’t feel safe. I don’t want to have kids until I trust him, but he and his mom can’t wait. I’ve been emotionally and physically destroyed over the past year. Nothing in my body works like it used to. But the thought of a second divorce is crippling me. I don’t have the strength to go through that again.