I am 32 years male started talking to a prospect. She is 27 years female and it started back in March 2023. We both live in different countries, so most communication was over text/FaceTime. Initially, everything was good for a few months since it was the honeymoon phase and we’d both said yes to our families. Then her friends came back from their trip to India, after which she would prioritize hanging out with them most of the time, and we started talking less.
We both used to initiate conversations back then, but after the shift in priorities, she would mostly be busy with her friends or something else, so I stopped initiating as much and left it to her to reach out whenever she was free. Sometimes, we wouldn’t talk for days at a time even though I wanted to because she was mostly busy. In December 2023, she ghosted me for 3 weeks straight and came back like nothing happened.
I understand that sometimes life can be overwhelming and we may not be able to make time for everything. At that point, I made it clear that if we ever went more than a week without talking, we were done. Things went on sometimes great, sometimes not so great.
A little about her: she’s pursuing her master’s. She smokes, drinks, and likes clubbing, which I’m okay with since I smoke and drink too. Most of her friends are guys, a couple of whom are her best friends. I’m okay with that as long as there are boundaries. She has trouble communicating and expressing herself and says she’s better at it in person.
We wanted to meet, but our visas wouldn’t allow us (renewal/extensions were in progress, etc.). I’ve financially helped her with around 15 lakhs over these 2 years. I didn’t think much of it because we knew we would eventually get married, and I’d have to support her financially until she settled here and found a job.
In September 2024, I got her tourist visa done and wanted her to visit me in December during the holidays. I didn’t want to go to her because she lives with roommates, while I have my own house and live alone. Initially, she said her parents wouldn’t be cool with her spending a month with me before marriage. I had my parents talk to her parents, after which they agreed.
I asked her for the dates to book her tickets, but she would just say she didn’t feel like coming and wanted to spend time alone. After trying a million times, I gave up. The next day, she told me she was going to see her friends during the holidays. I got pissed. I had gotten her visa, convinced her parents, and she repeatedly turned me down saying she wanted to be alone only to then go spend time with her friends.
Fast forward to 2025: One of our mutual friends was getting married in February, and since both our families would be there, we thought it would be a great opportunity to finally meet. We traveled to India, attended the wedding, and met in person a couple of times. One night, I convinced her mom to let her spend some alone time with me after the reception. She agreed. We met at a hotel.
She came with her brother, we drank/smoked a little, then her brother left so we could be alone. She sat beside me and initiated making out. She was on her period, so we didn’t have sex, but we did a lot of other things. We returned to our respective countries in March. Things were great for about a month. Then one day, she casually said she was more emotionally connected to her two guy best friends and would never be that close to me.
That triggered me a bit. One of those guys became close to her around the same time we started talking in 2023, and she said she got closer to him because he was her roommate and present in person. She has only told me she loves me about 8 times in 2 years. When I would say “I love you” (which I genuinely mean), she would brush it off, saying she doesn’t feel like saying it or isn’t in the mood. But then she responded “Love you too darling” on an Instagram post to her best friend. I was like WTF you can say it to him but not me?
Later, she told me I don’t put in effort and that she’s not attracted to me anymore, saying she’s the one initiating conversations. I told her that I don’t initiate because she’s always busy, and I let her do it knowing I can always make time regardless of what I’m doing. We argued and talked it out, but after that day, things felt very different fewer texts, fewer calls.
One day, she told me she had asked her family’s pandit to convince her father that we shouldn’t get married. Over the last 2 years, she would occasionally say things like “I never want to marry” or “I’m going to be solo forever.” I took them as playful jokes, but the pandit thing made me realize she was serious.
A few days later, we had a silly argument during which she said, “It doesn’t matter if you’re in my life or not.” That really hurt me. I said, “If that’s the case, I’ll be out of your life.” She later admitted she shouldn’t have said that and we talked it out. Communication stayed minimal, and I didn’t initiate much either.
One day, she posted a sad status. I asked if she was okay and said I was here to talk. She replied, “Nah, I’m okay, thanks” which felt rude. I called her to check, and she said that although she doesn’t feel happy with me, she will still marry me. After that call, I texted her that I want her to be happy more than anything, and if she’s not happy with me, there’s no point in getting married. I told her I’d talk to my parents and call it off, then removed her from everywhere.
The next day, she reached out. I didn’t respond until the following day. We started talking again. But then she again said she never wants to get married. I asked why she came back when I was ready to call it off. She got mad, said I was taunting her, and then said she doesn’t want to talk to me until the marriage in November. I wasn’t okay with it, but I said if that’s what she wants, I won’t force her.
Two weeks passed no contact. I reached out, we talked a little. Another week passed. I reached out again today. I had been thinking about putting in more effort like she wanted. Today she told me she never had any feelings for me and that she was going to talk to her dad and call it off. I tried to talk things out a bit, but she seemed fixated. I know it’s over. She’ll tell her dad soon.
I don’t know who’s in the wrong here, but I genuinely love and care for her. She wants to leave, and I’m not going to stop her. All this has taken a toll on my mental health. I’ve been getting little to no sleep for a month, constantly, overthinking. I’ve had a heartbreak before, when I was living in India, which put me into depression for nearly 5 years. I barely made it out alive. I say alive because I had suicidal thoughts back then.
It took me years of effort to build my life and reach where I am today. I feel like I’m slipping back into depression. I don’t know how I’ll get over her but I have to. I’m starting therapy next week. This whole situation has made me want to never get married. I’ve always wanted a family after stabilizing my life post depression but now, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
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