I met this guy online 6.5 years back and he is 28 years now. After talking and getting to know each other, he fell in love, but I didn’t feel the same, so I asked him to stop and just be friends if he wanted. He agreed, but he didn’t stop putting in effort, showing care, affection, and love. I would get angry and stop him a lot of times, but he wouldn’t listen. He showed up and was there every time.
Then 4 years passed by. My college roommate asked him out, and he mentioned that to me. He got involved with my college roommate, who used to be one of my best friends. It was a casual thing, and it got called off after a few months as he didn’t feel the same. They met and stayed together for 2 days during this time. I got to know about it when it ended after 4 to 5 months.
After hearing that, it felt like betrayal. I got too hurt not because he was with her, but because he could have just told me and not pretended to care as if he was still into me like nothing had changed. Later, after a month, I confessed my feelings to him, and he was happy. But his involvement with my friend and the lies he told me during that time, the way he hid things from me, made it difficult for me to trust him.
I told him I love him and would love to be with him, but I didn’t want to step in and then step back and hurt him by making any false promises. I said I wanted to fix our career compatibilities and other things with him. During this time, we met and spent good time together. It was the first time in all these years that we were in the same city, living close by for nearly a month. Then he and I went back to our workplaces.
I know I took a lot of time, but it took me more than a year to get over that last thing. His efforts, care, and love healed me. We would talk every day, update each other about everything, and would admit we love each other a lot. I just wanted to get over things first and not hurt him by saying yes and then backing out.
Then, one day, I read some chats with another girl on another phone that I had no idea about. At first, he claimed it was his maid’s phone and her chats, but I knew he was lying. Later, he admitted he had installed Bumble and had been talking to the girl just to divert his mind since he felt alone, lost, and hurt because of our dynamics.
At first, I got hurt. He could have just told me what was bothering him or that he didn’t want me anymore. He said, “I want you. I want to marry you and build a life with you. I don’t want to lose you.” After that, once I was talking to my mom, he just told my mom, “Aunty, I want to be with her.” (She knows everything about me and him I told her when I confessed my feelings.)
I don’t know, but after this happened, something in me changed. This was last year, in November. Then suddenly I saw a shift in his behavior. He mentioned that his parents were searching for a girl for him. He asked me if I was in a hurry and if I said yes, he would want to get engaged or do a roka by March.
Later, after a month, I agreed and asked him to go ahead. I said, “I am ready to do everything to be with you.” Exactly after that, something changed. He started avoiding me, was always busy, stopped picking up my calls, and started treating me badly. He mentioned he doesn’t feel any emotions right now. I felt maybe he needed his time, just like I took mine. So I gave him space.
Then, after a few days, he told me he had hidden something about himself from me all these years. And if I found out, I would hate him like anything. He said I would question all his love of these years and eventually leave him. I promised him and made him believe that I’m not here to leave him. l want to be with him no matter what.
I said, “If it’s something about your family or finances, it doesn’t matter to me. I choose you.” I asked him to tell me, but he didn’t. This has been going on for the last 5 to 6 months. I tried my best to talk to him, comfort him, and love him harder. But it seems he doesn’t want to tell me what’s bothering him. He’s always out now, disappears without replying to texts or calls, and avoids me.
And whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says, “I’m not the right guy for you. I’m not a good person.” I assured him he is the best. He kept saying, “I’m trying to solve that issue, and until it’s resolved, I can’t say anything about our future.” He came to meet me a few days back after I constantly asked. We were happy. He kissed me and was very intense and emotional.
Now he says the thing he hid from me is one reason, but another is the baggage of what I did to him in the past, or how I treated him, or the damage I caused. He says he’s unable to overcome that. He admits I’ve been putting in constant effort for the past 6 to 7 months, but he’s unable to receive it. He said, “Maybe I decided this back in Sept/Oct itself. I tried to convince myself, but I couldn’t.
Maybe I’ve moved on.” I asked him for just one chance to prove myself, but he denied it and said, “I can’t do it, and I won’t be able to accept your efforts. So it’s better we part ways.” I know I messed up, but I just wanted one chance. My intentions weren’t wrong. I just didn’t want to hurt him by saying yes and then no. But I guess, eventually, I did hurt him a lot.
Question: Can we fix this? And if yes, how?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No
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