Hi all, Alert this is 7 years long story.
I’m a 26 years old female in love with a guy the same age as me. We’ve known each other for nearly 7 years. We were in the same college but in different departments (IT & Mech). For the initial 1.5 years, we were good friends, then it turned into love (friend → best friend crush → boyfriend). We spoke daily from day one. I fell in love with him first but didn’t confess due to fear of losing the friendship and because of family situations.
He fell in love later, within 6 months, and confessed his feelings. We officially started our relationship, but he ended it in 2 weeks, saying we’re from different castes and he didn’t have a job at the time (this was right after graduation). I tried to convince him, but he was stubborn, and I couldn’t do much. We tried to stop talking for a while, but I couldn’t, as he was my only best friend and I had shared everything with him over 3 years (we usually had around 10 calls a day).
We decided to give it time and go back to being friends, but that didn’t happen. So, for the next 6 months, it went on as an uncommitted relationship. Then many new people came into his life, and his priorities changed. I felt like I was always the one chasing him, so I started to distance myself. Our conversations reduced. We went from talking weekly to monthly but whenever we did talk, we spoke for hours.
My family started looking for alliances for me. I hadn’t completely moved on l still had feelings but I knew it probably wouldn’t work out, so I was okay.
Now about my family background:
We are middle class not too high, not too low. I have a younger sister and brother.
Assets Wise:
3 houses (2 from my father’s hard earned money, 1 from my grandfather)
2 lands (1 from father, 1 from grandfather)
1 shop our only source of income
Debt of ₹15L for one of the houses.
My father saved 40 pawns of gold for my marriage My father is the sole provider. Neither of my parents enjoyed much in life, my mom has gone to the theatre maybe five times, and never on a vacation. We didn’t even have a TV at home until my brother finished school. My father’s preference for a groom was someone from a well settled family. He wanted security, especially after witnessing the instability during the COVID pandemic.
He searched for 3 years, checking horoscopes, backgrounds, and character. I also had a vision for what married life would look like. For the first 2.5 years, I was okay with the idea of arranged marriage (though always slightly hesitant since we couldn’t know the groom’s character in most alliances). Most were rejected due to various reasons.
Eventually, I started to think maybe my boyfriend was “the one” since no matches were working out. Then, due to work, I moved to a city where he was already working. We met after 2 years, and we fell for each other again. It again turned into an uncommitted relationship for 6 months. But this time, he treated me like a princess. He was more mature and ideal. Still, he didn’t want to take the relationship forward until an alliance for me got finalised, and both families had spoken on the phone.
When he realised he might lose me forever, he took a stand. Once he did, he didn’t back off. He confessed again, and we informed both families. His family initially opposed but later agreed after he convinced them.
On my side, it created a huge mess:
1. Caste issues we are BC; they are MBC
2. Salary difference he earns ₹25K (core company), I earn ₹50K (IT)
I was aware of both issues and thought I could manage. But my family didn’t even want to meet his family. We are mostly a joint family, so each member started convincing me. They asked dozens of questions I couldn’t answer, except “he has a very good character.” I then asked those questions to my boyfriend and got to know their financial background.
His father is in real estate (not steady), mother earns 15K, and his two younger brothers are unemployed. Their only asset is one house. As the eldest son, he’ll likely have to take care of his brothers’ marriages and his parents’ medical expenses in the future. When I heard this, I too was unsure. I had envisioned a different lifestyle.
Still, I thought we could work hard and build financial stability. Love alone won’t help us survive we’ll have to handle rent, savings, kids’ education, medical emergencies, etc. Neither of us has savings. Since my family refused to support me, I started a gold savings scheme, which takes up most of my salary. This made it hard to talk to my family with confidence. Still, I stood by him.
I was emotionally tortured and beaten by my family. This has been going on for 10 months and recently escalated, I was beaten and thrown out of my house. My boyfriend never left my side. He supported me emotionally. I had suicidal thoughts. I might not be here if it weren’t for him, my sister, and my mother. Even now, some relatives are trying to convince me one last time. They say I can’t survive in his family due to caste and status differences.
I was spoon fed since childhood and never faced any real struggle. Their strong and repeated statements shake my confidence, but I still can’t leave him. I truly believe no one can love me more than he does and I can’t love anyone else the way I love him. My mother had a seizure because of this issue. My father now has chest pain. I know I’ve already ruined things, and nothing can go back to how it was.
Currently: My job project ended, I’m on bench. If I don’t get into a project this month, I may lose my job I have to pay rent and gold scheme instalments My boyfriend isn’t financially able to help either I fear getting into this life without stability. Even if we marry now, we’ll have to depend on his family for wedding and initial expenses. If any medical emergency or pandemic comes, we won’t be able to handle it.
We keep arguing over this. I recently suggested: let’s work on ourselves for 2 more years, build some savings, let his brothers get jobs, and then get married. At least one of us should be financially secure. He feels I’m demeaning him and says this approach might lose them their family support. His relatives already know everything and may not wait for 2 years. Also, it will be hard to find a groom for my sister unless I marry first.
I strongly know I cannot go for an arranged marriage now it will ruin two families. I feel stuck. It’s either marry him, or never marry. Both families have lost their peace. I’m mentally unstable and feel like I’m complicating everything further. Thanks for reading till the end. Please suggest ways to increase financial stability and how to proceed further in this scenario.
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