I’m a doctor who has been blessed all her life with amazing friends, family, and acquaintances. In medical school, I had a great dating life and happened to date two incredibly kind and generous men, one during my undergrad and one in postgrad. Because of bad timing, caste issues, and other problems, I couldn’t marry them. Both were North Indians: emotionally connected, submissive, simple, always there for me, and basically perfect in every way. But deep down, I always felt this void like they weren’t matching my personality.
Everyone around me kept saying I attracted soft, passive men, and it started gnawing at me. I’m the dominant one in a relationship (in a good way), but hearing those comments constantly made me question if I was settling. After my second breakup in postgrad, I returned to my hometown, where my parents started pushing for marriage as I was nearing my late 20s. Then I reconnected with a school friend someone who was the polar opposite of the men I had dated before. He was tall, dark, muscular, and this brooding, angry, alpha South Indian.
He barely spoke, but something about his cold, mysterious vibe drew me in. I’m usually the kind of person who overthinks everything, weighing pros and cons, but with him, I didn’t even think. I knew the red flags were there, but I ignored them because I felt like he was what I’d been missing all along. No flowers, no dates, no sweet nothings nothing. And yet, I MARRIED HIM. What a joke, right? Fast forward to over a year of marriage, and I struggle every single day to figure him out. He’s not a bad person he’s a great friend.
But when it comes to emotions and understanding women, he’s absolutely clueless. He’s cold, controlling, unromantic, and has the emotional range of a brick. When I cry, he doesn’t comfort me. He either walks away or throws some cold, logical statement like, “Don’t waste your tears. There’s no point making a scene.” As a woman, I have natural emotional ups and downs (hello, hormones!), and it kills me that he can’t even offer basic empathy.
His parents? They just say he’s always been like this never cried as a child, never showed emotion. So now, every time I bring it up, it gets thrown back in my face. “This is who I am; I’ve never promised you anything else.” And honestly? He’s right. He never did. But how do I accept that THIS is my reality, forever? I love to travel, go on solo dates, watch movies alone, but he doesn’t allow it. I can only go to work, the gym, and the temple by myself. Any other place?
Only if he’s with me. Girls’ trips? Forget about it he says he doesn’t trust my friends. I feel suffocated. I used to be this confident, bubbly, romantic person who fantasized about life and love. Now, I’m just a shell of that. Being told what to do and where to go has crushed my spirit. I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. And the saddest part? He’s not abusive or horrible he just doesn’t care. As long as I let him be in his space, everything is fine. But the moment I ask for attention, for a romantic gesture, for a DATE NIGHT, he shuts down.
I even got slapped once for asking to spend quality time together because he was too busy scrolling through Instagram reels. The worst part? I’m still infatuated with him. I crave him, even though I don’t know if it’s love. But how messed up is that? And now, I’m being pressured to have a baby by his family, but he’s as cold as ever. He’s never brought it up, our intimacy is nonexistent (we maybe sleep together once a month, and even then, it’s in the middle of the night when we’re half asleep). I don’t want to bring a child into this mess, but I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t.
And yes, I know it’s wrong to look back at my past and compare, but I can’t help it. I had men who would’ve worshipped the ground I walked on, and now I’m stuck with someone who can’t even hold a conversation about our future. Every day, I regret my decision. I chose a fantasy, the idea of an “alpha male,” over true emotional connection. How do I live with that? How do I make this work? I manifest every day, praying for a sweeter life with him, but deep down, I know nothing will change.
What should I do? I’m tired, exhausted, and lost. Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to get this out unfiltered.
Connect with me if not a problem, I can share my thoughts.