I and my ex were in a long-distance relationship for 5 and a half years, and there were fights almost every 3rd day. Initially sab accha tha, lekin jaise hi main Delhi shift hui first time ghar se bahar, tab se problems aur zyada badh gayi. The major issues were ladka-ladki and emotional availability. Woh ek CA student tha aur main bhi student thi, lekin maine during the relationship apni CS complete kar li, isliye internship ke liye bahar gayi thi. Uska kuch bhi clear nahi hua and he is still studying.
Uski life mein bahut problems thi, jaise stock losses, aur main hamesha uske liye emotionally available hoti thi. Lekin jaise hi main apna kuch share karti, hamari ladai hi hoti thi. He could not understand my feelings and would say anything. When I was frustrated due to office, my only hope to release stress was him, but we fought, and I felt meri koi value nahi hai. I tried to explain to him that this was hurting me and that it was wrong, but he became even angrier and said horrible things to me, including abusive language.
He even replied to my story saying, “Ladko ke liye line open hai.” I tried to explain to him that it was wrong, but it kept getting worse as he was also frustrated with his losses. He had promised me that he would not do stocks until he started earning money, but he still did, and then got angry and did not even disclose to me that he had done it despite his promise. Uski expectations mein use sambhalun har baar ki tarah, whereas I felt I deserved emotional availability too.
Things got worse, and I lost hope. Then I reconnected with my schoolmate and told him everything. After office hours, I would rant about my office and ex-related issues to my school friend, and we would talk till 3 at night. I was feeling mixed emotions about how life had become so difficult lately, but my friend said my relationship was toxic. Somehow my ex got to know about it, and he called me a cheater, randi, and everything else. He said, “Why would a boy talk to you late at night? He and you are in a relationship,” and accused me.
I was not a cheater, but things got even worse. I tried to discuss it with a few other old mates. Since life is busy, I don’t have many close friends, and all I had was my ex, who always said, “Never discuss your relationship with anybody. It’s private.” However, jab itna kuch hua, I needed clarity, so I talked to some other schoolmates, and everyone said it was a toxic relationship and that he was wrong. Then my ex said I was at fault. He said the entire fight was about ladka-ladki. (Isn’t this manipulation? The fight wasn’t even because of ladka-ladki.
It was a problem, but it had already been discussed many times when we were in the relationship. Here, it was more about emotional expectations.) But I said my perspective is different. I believe that as you grow in life, you will meet various people, but not everything is about boyfriend-girlfriend. He says, “Banane hi kyu hain dost? Main hoon na.” It makes me wonder whether this is isolation in the name of love or if he is making me doubt my own decisions. He says I can never make good friends because the universe has proved him right every time.
My office colleague, whom I thought was nice, asked me for a casual relationship. My problem is that I never hid anything. I talked to my ex daily and was completely honest. I have never cheated, but why could he never understand one simple thing about me? That I can handle the ladka situation myself. It’s just that if I am telling you, I need you to be my strength, not a weakness, where I start doubting everything. You can just warn me, but not in that way and not so rudely for every person.
I can’t go or even imagine going out with any of my schoolmates because, according to him, every boy has bad intentions, I am stupid enough to fall for them, and everything he is doing is for me and my protection. Please help