I’m a 27 years old female, happily married for one and a half years. My marriage was arranged. On the day we first spoke, we talked for 45 minutes, our opinions matched, and we decided to marry. Later on, we moved to another country, and things were good for the first two months. But issues began when he had a problem at work. He suddenly said, “Why did I even marry? You should leave me and marry someone else.”
I stayed calm, thinking he was just stressed from work and didn’t share this with anyone. We returned to India and stayed at my husband’s brother’s house. That’s when my co-sister, who was initially very friendly and talkative, told me about all the issues she had faced with the family before I arrived in a very sweet tone. But later, she began saying bad things about me accusing me of speaking badly about my husband, father-in-law, and mother-in-law.
Every time I gave clarity, the issue got resolved. Whenever I went to my mother’s house, some new issue would arise, but I stayed quiet since we were staying at their place. After 6 months, my husband got a job offer in another state. When he joined, I came to my mother’s house to spend some time with my family. During that time, my husband called me and asked me to delete an account. We got into a fight because of that.
When I asked for some time, he refused to listen. I told him to stop giving me orders, and he said he is the head of the family. I asked him, “Are you the head just because you’re earning?” That hurt his ego. Then he told me he wants a very conservative wife, someone who tells him everything: whom she’s talking to, where she’s going, etc. That same night, he told me we should separate. I didn’t agree and informed both our parents.
I’m still at my mother’s house. There have been discussions between my father-in-law and my parents over the phone. He said we should give it time and has now arranged for both families to meet next weekend. Since his family is very orthodox and my husband is becoming like them I now have doubts. Should I prepare to leave him or stay?
Question: What should I be prepared for in the meeting?
1: To leave him
2: To be with him
If he expects you to change into a traditional role all of a sudden, without giving you due time to understand his expectations. I think he has made up his mind of leaving you and this is just a front he is presenting.
But if he used to get offended from the start, from your behaviors (as I can see when you questioned his authority), then maybe it is you who needs to learn a lesson or two about marriage.
You can ask questions to dig deeper into why he says what he says.
But you cannot blatantly question his authority about “are you the head of the household just because you earn?” as expect to have a happy married life. It is a childish question. Probably because growing up, you didn’t get a father that your mother obeyed. And so you do not understand the dynamics where the man is the head of the household.
Your question was wrong at so many levels that you need to get in touch with some traditional woman to get your perspectives a reality check.
But for the record, though even if you were earning voluntarily, in a healthy relationship, he would have been the head of the household.
But definitely, if he is the sole earner, remember that you are eating what earns. Have respect for it.
You belittling his contributions by framing it as, “JUST because you’re earning”, shows your entitled attitude.
Probably that is why you are unfit to be a respectable man’s wife. And that is probably the reason he wants you gone.
So yeah, let him live a normal life princess.