This is not a grooming situation. I would like to clear the air first. Everything was consensual. So in April 2024, he and I connected. I don’t know how or why, but yes-we started texting from good morning to good night. (He’s in the defense forces.) Whatever time he would get off for himself, he would spend it with me, sometimes even compromising his sleep schedule, which I found adorable. Then I had a boyfriend, but he was emotionally unavailable. No matter what I did, it was just never enough for him.
During those times, this guy helped me a lot. He supported me so much. You could say I trauma-bonded with him. But alas, he and I developed feelings and started dating. But in reality, I was double dating-him and my then-boyfriend. He knew that, and he wanted me to block the other guy from everywhere, and so I did. I just couldn’t help but follow whatever he said. I trust and love him so much. But I know he can’t be mine solely. He’ll get married soon-I don’t know when-but given his age, soon enough.
And I’m too young, not financially stable enough to take a stand for myself and be with him independently. Call me greedy or a whore, but I don’t care if his future wife would be hurt or not. I really don’t care. I’ve grown up in a broken family myself, so I know how it goes. My mother cheats on my father, and recently I discovered my father might also be cheating on my mother. But I just, for once, want someone I love to love me too. I know it’s terrible that I wouldn’t bat an eye at his future wife’s pain,
But I just want to experience being with someone I love, for once. I’ve tried everything to move on from him-really, I have. Even my friends have told me this isn’t good for me. Like, it was fine when it was just for fun, but now it’s serious. But the hardest part is him disappearing for weeks at a time, sometimes even a month. And it’s so lonely without him. My world feels like it revolves around him. I don’t know how, but it has become so. I really love him. I do. But my parents would kill me even if we tried to initiate anything in the future-that’s for sure and obvious.
There have been times when it’s been very hard on both of us, but I’m not kidding you-it feels like God is always there helping us out. I wake up at 7:34-he texts at 7:35. He’s sick and hasn’t told me, but somehow I feel tense. He’s mad and frustrated but tries to act calm-even through texts, I can sense it. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I’ve noticed these small details. I suck at remembering dates and numbers-can’t do it to save my life.
But his phone number, his birthday, and our special dates-I remember them all, and so does he. I don’t know what to do. I know I can’t leave him. He might, I don’t know. But I love him so much. He’s always guided me through rough times. Even when I found out about my mom’s cheating scandal-he was there. Always protecting me. But I know he isn’t mine to keep. And it hurts so bad that my chest physically aches. It’s like I’m being stabbed over and over again.
I never took guys seriously-it was never my thing. But him-his lies could still win my trust. Even now. Yes, we talk online and all, and I can easily date anyone I want-that’s not the issue. But even looking at another guy and thinking “he’s attractive” feels like a sin. Heck, I don’t even find anyone else appealing anymore. Please tell me what should I do? I don’t know anything anymore. Please help, guys, with your suggestions.
Question: Is it all my fault?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No