I’m a very simple girl from a simple family, but I’ve never received emotional support from home. Instead, I was always shamed for being emotional and sensitive. Because of this, I fell prey to a man in my past who manipulated me in the name of love, physically abused me, and blackmailed me into changing my religion and marrying him until I finally gathered the courage to choose my dignity and leave him. He still blackmailed and threatened me occasionally, but I faced him strongly.
Then, at a point when I wasn’t ready for any relationship at all, I met another guy. He approached me, convinced me, and told me how he lost his mother as a child and how his alcoholic father didn’t take care of him or his sisters, who were his only guardians. He said he was working for his future and wanted a stable girl to marry. Me, being a girl who only wanted love and nothing else, got convinced and thought I’d give him all the love he’d ever missed.
I never demanded time, flowers, dates, or anything because he said he was busy building a secure future for us. He would go out all night, asking me not to call or text him, claiming he was on business trips with his father and didn’t like interference during work hours. A few months later, he said he was going out for New Year’s with his family and would be busy again, I shouldn’t call. Later, while going through his friends’ stories, I found pictures of him with a girl at a nightclub.
When I asked him about it, he said she was his cousin and even made her talk to me to “prove” it. He never came to see or meet me but got physical with me, saying it was important for him to form a bond since he was going to marry me anyway. That was also the only way he’d let me spend time with him. Later, I somehow found her Instagram handle and messaged her, asking if she was his girlfriend she left me on read.
When I confronted him with more proof, he finally admitted she was his girlfriend but spun a story about her being his father’s friend’s daughter, calling her psychotic and claiming she’d ruin him if he left her. I was naive extremely introverted and unaware these were just manipulation tactics. I agreed to wait for him to leave her when she moved out of the city, as he claimed, but that never happened. I cried every day, but he never asked about my well being and kept meeting her. Meanwhile, I thought I was loving him unconditionally and accepted everything.
Even when my ex blackmailed me, saying he’d found out about my new guy and that he had a girlfriend, I lied and said I had approached him just so my new guy wouldn’t be badmouthed, even though I knew my ex would hate and threaten me more for moving on. Whenever I tried to leave, he’d go to extreme lengths to get me back waiting outside my hostel, crying endlessly but that was it. He never tried to know me, and I never felt safe enough to share my past because he never gave me time. I kept suffering.
Eventually, I found that girl’s number and called her only to be shocked. They’d been in a relationship for almost a year, meeting daily. All his “business trips” were with her. They talked for hours while I was dying just to hear his voice. She was extroverted, chirpy, and a yapper she drank with him, vibe with his friends, and did everything I didn’t (I’m quiet, into deep talks, philosophy, and real life connections). Talking to her made me question my worth.
She told me he gave her gifts and they had a flat together the same one he’d taken me to (after making me contribute money), where it smelled of alcohol and dirt. He’d slept with me there, then claimed the money was doomed and the room couldn’t be ours. Meanwhile, she had the keys. Strangely, she became obsessed with me, refusing to let me cut contact. If I blocked her, she’d come to my home crying, threatening self harm if I stopped talking to her. That made me realize she was a little weird.
I wasn’t dating him but still waited because he wouldn’t let me go. He’d call me “Maa” (mother) when I tried to leave, triggering my emotions. The situation was so twisted he’d go on trips with her while I had no choice but to wait, dying inside every second. Yet, he never cared about me. Exhausted, I talked to that girl, and she begged me to stay away from him. I knew I’d cave to his manipulation, so my only option was committing to someone else since I never cheat.
I started dating my only guy friend (I’d stopped talking to him earlier because my boyfriend didn’t want me having male friends). I never met him in person because I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched by anyone but my love. That girl (his ex) knew everything I’d told her to avoid insecurity. She even encouraged me to date my friend, calling him a good man, and contacted him to talk about me. But soon, even he turned toxic, pressuring me for sexting and inappropriate photos.
I complied at times because if he left, I feared I’d return to my manipulative ex who kept contacting me, claiming he was cutting himself, etc. Eventually, I left my friend too, realizing it was unfair to him and myself. A month later, my ex returned, claiming he’d left that girl (she confirmed it but said she was devastated). I refused to take him back, but he made me talk to his sisters, uncles, aunts, and friends all of whom convinced me he loved me and would marry me. Foolishly, I gave him another chance.
He cheated again. And again. And again. I even spoke to the other girls, who bragged about their fun with him. Each time I tried to leave, he’d cry, “Maa! Don’t leave me again, Maa!” melting my heart because I’d started seeing him like my own child. I kept forgiving him, even protecting him when other girls threatened to sue him. I believed unconditional love would change him. During this long distance phase, I blamed myself for not meeting his needs, thinking that’s why he cheated. His ex girlfriend advised me not to tell him about my friend, saying he wasn’t loyal anyway.
After all this, I traveled to meet him, and he put a gold ring on my finger, promising to change and marry me. I was overjoyed even though he still never really talked to or knew me, he seemed serious, and that was enough. But a week later, before my family trip to Kashmir (where outside SIMs don’t work), he demanded my Instagram password. While there, I briefly got internet and saw missed calls, curses, and messages calling me a liar, cheat, and saying I deserved to die. He’d retrieved my deleted chats, learned about my ex (who’d told him everything in the worst way), and my friend.
I begged, saying I loved only him and the rest was past/compulsion, but he wouldn’t listen. He screamed about my “lies” regarding my virginity and past. I couldn’t even explain properly due to spotty internet. I even skipped family outings to stay in the room for Wi-Fi, traumatized. His other girlfriends texted, saying I wronged their love. His ex who knew everything denied it and joined him in cursing me, playing the pure, pious victim. I stopped defending myself. I decided to go home and end my life. I had no energy left, and instead of my love being recognized, my character was judged.
I begged for forgiveness, but he demanded all my social media passwords, saying he’d “monitor” me for a year without commitment, then decide if I was worthy. That was my breaking point. I refused and blocked him. He didn’t reach out for a while but eventually returned, begging to marry me. I can’t unlove him like Premanand Maharaj said, “Prem hai toh bas hai, chahe aapka premi aapke saath kuch bhi kare” (“If there’s love, it’s enough, even if your beloved does anything to you”). But I won’t go back. I value myself at least that much.
Question: Does he deserve another chance?
Option 1: He deserves a chance; he might change.
Option 2: I deserve better.
Obviously You deserve better.