I am a 41 years old woman whose husband emotionally cheated on her after 16 years together. We have been married for 9 years in an interfaith, intercultural, and interstate marriage. Our twins, who are 3 years old, came into our lives after much struggle. Two years ago, my husband emotionally cheated on me (thankfully, he never slept with or sexted the other woman) with a coworker from his old job. This affair lasted for 14 months. Some clarification about our situation.
For the first 3 years of our marriage, we lived in different cities. My city was a more convenient choice, but he couldn’t find a job there. During this time, I was focused on building our future home. He didn’t cheat back then, and we have no regrets about those years. Eventually, he found a job in my city, and we began living together. We had our children after a long journey through IVF. He cheated on me while I was overwhelmed with caring for our one year old’s, during the time I needed him the most in my postpartum period.
In my previous post, some people blamed me for his betrayal, claiming that because I didn’t live with him, I was responsible. One commenter even accused me of cheating, questioning whether someone else fathered my children! Well, you don’t need to sleep with someone to get pregnant via IVF just a series of really painful procedures. As for the father, all he had to do was aim for the cup, and I made sure my husband did that! He is a good father caring and helpful but he didn’t consider my mental health because I always put on a brave face.
We drifted apart, like many other new parents, going through a “roommate” phase. I thought it was temporary, but later discovered he had an affair instead of working things out with me. I was heartbroken, and I still am. It’s been 5 months since I found out, and I still can’t think straight. He’s a good person who made some bad choices, and now he’s trying hard to make things right. He’s very remorseful and has cut all contact with the other woman. But I can’t forget or forgive him for getting involved with someone else.
I will never be the same person. Every fairytale detail about us now feels like a lie. In my previous post, some people suggested I have an affair to teach him a lesson. That’s immature. I’m proud of my moral high ground, and I believe that only insecure people with low self esteem choose to cheat. I am not financially dependent on him. Every time I chose him, I did it for love. I chose to stay after all of this because of love. But now, I feel numb and detached. I know he’s trying hard, but I’m not the same person anymore. For five months, I’ve cried, been triggered, shouted almost every day.
But I’ve also felt affection for him, hugged him while crying, and asked him a thousand times why he did what he did or how he could do it. He has no answers. Now, I’ve stopped asking because I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t feel secure in his arms when we hug. So, I’m wondering: Is this feeling temporary, or am I falling out of love with him? I don’t know if I can live without him, but if this is what the rest of our lives will be like, what should I do?