It’s important to understand my background before I share anything further. I had a very typical childhood full of expectations. I was the top student throughout my school years and even the district topper in the CBSE boards. I excelled academically and was involved in painting, debates, writing poems, and hosting cultural events. To sum up my school life, I was the head girl. Despite this, I wasn’t very popular; I was often isolated for being an overachiever. I had a small circle of friends because being genuine was important to me.
My closest friend was a girl who felt like a sister to me for over 8 years. I also had a few male friends. I experienced childhood trauma that I never shared with anyone until recently. I was touched inappropriately by my biological brother for years but couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents. The high expectations from my parents, along with these traumas and my school life, contributed to my anxious nature. After my 10th grade, I was sent to Kota for further studies. Living away from home for the first time was challenging.
The isolation and lack of friends led me to fall into depression. I knew I needed support, but in Kota, where forming friendships is often discouraged to avoid distractions from studies, it felt impossible. One day, I came across an app called IBF and found a random person’s ID. I don’t know why, but I was drawn to his profile among thousands. I sent him a “hi.” I had never used Instagram before and was unfamiliar with social media slang. I cried and prayed for help, and on the same day, he replied to my anonymous account. It felt like he was sent by God.
Despite concerns about online friendships, I decided to fake my identity, telling him I came from a family of doctors and had a school time boyfriend. I did this because I didn’t want him to think I was interested in a relationship. For someone as honest as me, it was difficult to lie so much. We started talking, and during my depression, he was a constant support. He would stay on the phone with me all night, replying to my long messages with equally lengthy responses. I even created a fictional story about someone doing wrong things to me, just to see if people like me were worth loving.
He was incredibly kind and supportive, and I began to feel guilt for lying to him. I knew he would never forgive me for betraying his trust. He said I had become his best friend and he trusted me deeply. I decided I had to walk away because I couldn’t continue deceiving him. But before leaving, I wanted to ensure he didn’t hate me. On New Year’s, I asked if he wanted a present, and he requested a letter. I realized I enjoyed old school gestures, so I wrote him a heartfelt letter. His reaction was overjoyed, and I wanted to see that smile again.
I made him a scrapbook, wrote him poems, and even gave him a watch for his birthday with prize money I had won. I made a certificate declaring him the world’s best friend. These gestures helped alleviate my guilt, and he appreciated them deeply. Over time, my guilt led to panic attacks, and the pressure of studying in Kota only added to my stress. I realized that my feelings for him went beyond friendship. I had fallen in love with him, despite never having met him in person and despite him being four years older. I was certain I had to let go I didn’t deserve someone like him.
One day, I gathered the courage to confess everything to him. I apologized for not trusting him initially and for all the lies. I mentioned that revealing my true feelings might ruin our friendship. He seemed to understand, saying he could see it in my eyes. I told him that if I stayed, my feelings would grow, and it would hurt more. He told me he loved me too but that I should interpret it however I wanted. Things seemed to be going well, and he was attentive and caring.
He would comfort me during anxiety attacks and show concern for my well being. But, eventually, his behavior changed. He started responding less frequently and was less attentive. When I was sick, he seemed indifferent. His reactions became distant, and our video calls became rare. I even got into a fight with him over this. He said I misunderstood his actions and that I was taking everything the wrong way. Despite my efforts to be understanding and supportive, he seemed to take me for granted. He said he wanted me to stay but admitted that he was getting hurt too.
My family had always been wary of him, and my mom’s intuition was that he might hurt me. I didn’t believe her until he rejected me, saying he only saw me as a friend. This left me heartbroken. I cried and had an anxiety attack, and when I sought comfort, he was distracted by the World Cup. I told him we needed to distance ourselves, but then I apologized and asked him not to distance himself. I tried to accept that we were better off as friends.
However, his responses continued to be inconsistent, and his interest seemed to wane. I felt hurt and unsupported, even as a friend. Despite expressing my feelings and trying to understand his perspective, his behavior suggested that he was no longer invested. I am struggling to let him go because I still care about him, but it’s affecting my mental health and my upcoming exams. I can’t understand why my efforts to love and support him were not reciprocated. I’m left wondering if I did something wrong or if it’s always going to be like this.